Guest post: This wonderful post is from Mama Feminista. She is the mother of two young daughters (one with a disability) and she writes an incredibly thoughtful blog ? you should check it out.
1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
I became a feminist in high school the moment I realized I was pro-choice.? This was around sophomore year, when I watched a classmate of mine struggle to get access to an abortion all on her own, while the rich boy who got her pregnant did nothing to help. She hid it from her parents, and came to school the afternoon after the abortion, looking pale and so so tired.? She was probably sixteen.? I didn?t help her in any way, except, maybe by listening. We weren?t friends, and maybe that?s why she talked to me about it.? But that was when I realized that when people talk about abortion, the woman is the person I care most about. I wanted badly for someone to help her, but no one did.? Before this I had been vaguely pro-life as a result of my Catholic upbringing, so this was a big and important change. Now, I?m happily atheist.
My feminism: Feminism is empowering women to live fully and freely, while fighting sexist oppression for as long as it exists.
2. What has surprised you most about motherhood?
I have been floored by the shift in perspective I have experienced about nearly everything as a result of becoming a mother. Almost everything goes through my ?mother lens? now first and foremost. When I think about my life I think about how it will impact my children first, and then myself.? I do try to balance their needs with mine, and not sacrifice too much of myself when it?s not actually necessary. I look back at my life before kids and think, ?damn, I had so much time! so much freedom! I could have done anything!? and assume the same about other non-parents, like they must have so much time on their hands. Rationally, I know this is not true. There are plenty of important things that keep people busy AND fulfilled other than children, so I try to keep this attitude in check. I do wish I could go back and tell my pre-child self, ?Woman, write your book NOW! Travel NOW! Stop making excuses because if you think you are busy now, you have no idea.?
I have been astonished by how my children sprang athena-like into my world, with fully formed personalities and spirits of their own.? It?s hard to imagine my life without these two little women.
3. How has your feminism changed over time??What is the impact of?motherhood?on your feminism?
Before I had children, my feminism was largely about sex and work?access to sexual healthcare, the protection of women?s control over their own bodies, sexual discrimination?basically the things that affected me.? Since becoming a mother, my feminism has become more expansive to include, of course, issues surrounding pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, child-care, work-life balance, but also an increased awareness of feminist issues worldwide, where many of the freedoms we already have here in the U.S. are far from won.? Becoming a mother has made me even more of a staunch feminist.
4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach?differ from a non-feminist mother?s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
I wrote a whole post on this, but basically feminism is one of the principles that guides my mothering.?? I think that many mothers, particularly mothers of girls, are feminists, even if they are uncomfortable with the label. For me, the most important thing my feminism offers my girls is a mother who does not think about them in terms of what they cannot or should not do, but rather assumes they can do anything and is willing to work with them to figure how to do the things that are difficult.? Particularly since one of my daughter?s has a disability, this is important to me. I won?t tell her what she ?can?t do? and I won?t ever let her accept the limitations that other people might try to impose on her.? I grew up thinking there was very little I could do, and as an adult I have learned that one can do just about anything with enough effort, so I want my girls to start with that idea from the get-go. This doesn?t mean demanding perfection of course: I ran a very very slow marathon some years ago, but you know what? I ran the damn thing. I will always be proud of my training for that, regardless of the time, because speed doesn?t matter at all to me.? We get to decide what matters for ourselves.
5. Do you ever feel?compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you?ve failed as a feminist mother?
I fail mostly when it comes to the division of labor at home and valuing my unpaid work, like writing and photography.? I cook 80% of the meals around the house and do most of the laundry. I prioritize my husband?s creative work far above my own.? And that?s just the beginning. As a professor, I am an authority figure, but at home it is so easy for me to default to the role my mother played. Despite being the sole breadwinner, at home my mother was the one who cleaned and managed the household. It was like she had to be everything to everyone. I have no reason to follow in her footsteps; my husband is very progressive and a feminist parent himself. I just get in my own damn way sometimes. Because I want my daughters not to make these same mistakes, I have got to change, but it?s a work-in-progress.
6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
Only a little, with some family members who don?t understand how a marriage functions when the woman earns most of the income or works more hours, which is sometimes the case in our home.? These traditionalists fear that I emasculate my husband this way, but that?s not the case.? We are just working the best ways we know how to craft a life we enjoy and are proud of.? Most of the time it?s easy because I am proud of being a feminist and extremely proud of my family.
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
I?ve already admitted that this is a challenge for me, and really it?s a daily struggle.? One of the ways I have found to reconcile what I want/need with what my children want/need is, honestly, to outsource.? I want/need time to write, to exercise, to think, and they need a loving adult with them at all times, so I hire babysitters a few hours a week to give me time when we can afford it.? I also have to drop my sense of maternal superiority; I tend to think that the way I do things is best . My husband is often willing to give me time, but it requires my relinquishing the idea that what my girls need most is me.? To cling to this idea is a sad form of self-sabotage. Yes, my girls do need me, but they also need a mother who is fulfilled and following her own dreams. They need a model as well as a mother.? I am not there yet; I?ve got a long way to go, in fact. But at least I know where I?m headed.
8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
Despite the many problems we have worked through/are working through in our decade long marriage, I really did choose an amazing partner. He is mostly supportive of my feminist ideas.? I think that my feminism has benefited him in a lot of ways. Particularly in the current economy, my willingness to work and be the primary breadwinner lifted what would otherwise have been a crushing burden from his shoulders.? He was raised by a family of strong women, and that?s what he hopes his daughters will be, so I am a good partner for that.? The traditional roles wouldn?t have fit either of us, so I?m glad we found eachother so early.
9. If you?re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
I am an AP parent, and as such, I spend a lot of time with my children, often with the infant attached to my breast.? But this has not been a problem for my feminism.? I need a high-level of physical intimacy to feel happy and healthy, and come from a family of huggers and cuddlers.? So having these girls in my arms has been sheer bliss.? Breastfeeding is time-consuming, but has also been a savior for me in terms of making sure I take enough time to rest. The hours I have spent nursing have been largely spent in bed, either sleeping, or listening to audiobooks or podcasts, things that nourish my body and mind.? Sometime AP is seen as something the mother does, but it?s not just that. My husband has worn a baby for countless hours, and because our first could not nurse, he largely fed her, while I pumped for her.? To me, attachment parenting fits ideally within a feminist household with its focus on valuing each member of the family.
10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think?feminism has given mothers?
I think there is a big divide between feminists who are not mothers and those who are. Feminist mothers see so much that non-mothers may not in terms of how the pregnant woman, laboring woman, nursing woman, and working or stay-at-home woman is treated by society.? It?s almost like mothers are a third sex. There?s women (without children, so often sexually objectified) and mothers (so often desexualized) who are all oppressed by various forces, but sometimes things that empower women without children, like careers once reserved for men, such as medicine, can be nightmares for mothers because women without children may be able to work an 80 hour work-week, but for mothers that?s a theft? of time that she would rather spend parenting her kids.? While it isn?t? ideal for anyone to work an 80 hour workweek, it has usually been seen as a victory that women can enter these careers. For mothers (or anyone with caretaking obligations), that victory can be defeating in actual practice.? So I think that there needs to be a lot of dialogue about how feminism can benefit everyone, including men, to change how we value work and family.? While feminism has given mothers options beyond mothering, it has also made the option of mothering, in some ways, more complicated than ever.? I welcome the complexity, complexity is good, but I think we?re still sorting out how to be the mothers we want to be while also following our other, also important, dreams.
(You can find all the many other responses in this series here. If you?d like to respond to these questions yourself you can either email me your answers and I?ll put them on blue milk as a guest post or you can post them elsewhere and let me know and I?ll link to them).
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